So I've been having a hard time being inspired to blog. Earlier in the semester, it was just a lot easier to fall into this "Ludakristi"/That's What She Said persona... but now that I am actually working on important things (haha no offense Bloggers), I don't have time for me. And my Snoop Bloggie Blogg.
I am sending out my Costa Rica application tomorrow. Everything is all set. I don't know what else to say about it.
I have 11/40 pages of my memoir... which is due in a week... so that's what I've been really working on. I'm trying to complete the 2 and a half pages I am going to be reading at Food For Thought on Thursday evening, but I usually just stare at them for a long time. I need to get those done today/night. Because I need to practice them tomorrow. And I need to blow everyone away on Thursday. I don't know how it's going to go, and I've never done a reading like this.
In blog class, I always say how my blog is personal, so a lot of questions that come up about the Blogosphere apply to me in different ways. But, the truth is, my blog isn't personal at all. I started writing for an audience as soon as a girl asked about "the Wink guy." I pull away from my blog by posting about cooking things and singing karaoke.
The stuff I am writing about for my memoir class... that's personal. That's going to be public, and that scares me. The Blogosphere means nothing to me compared to the manuscript I will have produced in a week. Once it's done, it's going to be accessible to family, friends, and strangers. Kind of like my blog. Rarrrhkjdfhlsd.... stressed.
Anyway. I brought my old journal to campus today because I am trying to get inspired to write 29 more pages worth of stories about me. I started the journal in 6th grade, and I was trying to write at least a little everyday, so the first entries are all like, "Today I ate spagetti. It was good. I like Titanic. It's an awesome movie." But then it gets into the boy crazy stage of my life, I guess. And there's some stuff in there that's worth expanding upon. All I can see now, however, is how much I censored myself... to myself. And I don't think I was just being cryptic in case someone started reading it. I can remember the feelings that accompanied certain events, but I just chose not to share them. Only towards the end is there any reflection... but I still think I censored myself a lot... and I have to question why. I don't know if I'll ever write in a journal again. It's scary now.
This post is full of "I don't knows" but whatever. I don't know why I am rambling in my blog instead of working on my memoir. But as I was reading my journal today, I came across a bunch of entries about the loves of my middle school life (who are kids I am all friends with to this day)... so I started sending out confessional text messages:
I'm reading my old journal and apparently I put frosting all over your face at my 13th birthday party. . . sorry for that but you should know that I thought you were SOOOO HOTT hahaha
CB: 508-___-____
To: Josh Connor
Sent: May 1, 11:36 am
Dave. I am reading my old journal and on November 4, 1998 I was totally in love with you. . . just thought that you should know. ;)*
CB: 508-___-____
To: Davisboy
Sent: May 1, 11:42 am
* I sent a similar text to Corey, but the date was September 30, 1999.
I'm reading my old journal and sending text messages with specific dates to let the boys know when I was in love with them. I got a couple I could things I could send you tooo!
CB: 508-___-____
To: Lo
Sent: May 1, 12:05 pm
Well on April 8th, 2000 I ended an entry with: Lolo and I are incredibley good friends now. It's creepy-- we know what the other one is saying without having to say it. (Lolo just called, how creepy is that?)
CB: 508-___-____
To: Lo
Sent: May 1, 12:10 pm
There's a few more good ones, and the responses are even better. But I don't want to blog anymore. Sorry Bloggie.
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10 comments:
What an interesting idea to come clean about everything you felt in junior high school (or even high school for that matter). I also kept a journal back in those more simple days and have since stopped for whatever reason. I think that sending all those texts must have been scary and exciting. I would love to know how people reacted to that so many years after the fact. Should I e-mail the boy I fancied in high school and finally let him know?
I used to sensor myself in my journals too, which I still don't fully understand. I would LOVE to send messages like that to people from elem -> middle school, especially because I moved after that and lost contact with a ton of those people. I took the first step of friending them on facebook, but I'm still a bit of a wimp when it comes to messaging them.
Good idea, I'll have to start some rare retro-blogging from my brief journal periods during middle school and 2nd grade (on my LJ of course, for your eyes only). Thankfully, everyone I had a crush on never read my LJ, so it was all good. Unfortunately, got to censor it now since you read it :(
You're text transcripts make me think that the next level of drunk dialing is drunk texting. So instead of slurred voicemails, we'll have poorly spelled texts confessing undying love and other crazy stuff.
I feel you, i have to admit im completely burnt out on this whole blog thing and school work in general....and i dont know how they handled it behind closed doors but but if i found out some cute chick liked me back in the day...i'd let out a big "GOD DAMMIT" but thats just me i guess.
ps - I have a crush on ALL the girls in this class, expect random text messages soon :-)
In first grade, my teacher made us keep journals. I promptly forgot all about them until I went to my mom's house and found them. Comedic gold.
And lot like drunken text messages.
drunken texts are amazing because the next day you can look back and see what you've sent. Drunken dials, unfortunately, have no record
Looking back at one's old diaries and seeing how much you've changed in ten years can be fascinating, or at least it used to be for me. Nowadays, every time I read something I wrote a long time ago, I just say, "Way to write, dumbass", and then I push my younger self into a mud puddle. No wonder I'm so meek; I spent my formative years getting beat up by my older self. Whatever, screw that kid.
In other news, 29 pages sounds like a monstrosity, even if it is autobiographical. Good luck with that. I've never had to write a paper longer than 12 pages. (I was supposed to have a 20-page paper due today, but a couple weeks ago it was cancelled in favor of a relatively simple art project).
Anyway, good luck with your paper and junk. I'm outta here, it's time to hit the gym.
It's interesting all the discussion about self-censoring journals. I think one of the problems with journals and diaries is the completely imagined, strange audience.
In my case, this anxiety manifested itself somewhat differently. I used to enact this really tough, foul-mouthed badass that I totally was not (surprise) in real life.
29 pages about yourself? Sorry but what a joke haha. My friend had to write a 100-page thesis for exercise science over the weekend, while making up half her statistics. THAT is something to worry over lulz.
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